Lilith
by loosingletters
Summary: "I-," Rin speaks up again, her voice dripping with self-doubt. "I would have been a bad mother anyway." Yukio knows she's trying to lie to herself, it's so easy to make it out. He wants to disagree, he thinks his sister would have been a great mother- he's sure of it. But that won't ease her pain at all, right? Fem!Rin. Full summary inside.


**Summary: "I-," Rin speaks up again, her voice dripping with self-doubt. "I would have been a bad mother anyway." Yukio knows she's trying to lie to herself, it's so easy to make it out. He wants to disagree, he thinks his sister would have been a great mother- he's sure of it. But that won't ease her pain at all, right? Because the Order wouldn't give Satan's spawn the opportunity to sire more demons.**  
 **AN: Female Rin. Warning: Forced sterilization.**

If he's honest, Yukio would prefer it if his sister were crying. But his sister has never been that kind of person. She never cried in front of him, always leading him to believe nothing can get to her. She's his big sister, powerful, strong, as solid as a rock.

He wonders what it says about him that he wants her to cry. Perhaps it is cowardly of him because facing a crying, an emotional Rin, is easier than facing her how she is now: silent, lying on her bed while staring up at the ceiling, one hand resting on her belly.

She's been like this for the past two hours, maybe longer. He's only gotten back home recently, missions keeping him away. Dinner had been made and he ate it in silence alone at the table. That should have tipped him off, if he's home, Rin always eats with him or drags herself out of bed to sit with him in the middle of the night.

 _If_ he's home that is.

He hasn't been there much recently, he hasn't been with her today. Father would scold him for it, just like he did when Yukio wanted to miss the special Sunday dinner his sister always makes in favor of studying.

Makes – made?

Does she still do that? He doesn't know. Father would be disappointed. He'd be here now too. He would have gone with Rin and tell her that everything will be fine and that the Vatican is made up by a bunch of dicks that can't see the child his sister still is.

He'd do all Yukio didn't do today.

He bites the insides of his cheeks, the report he should be writing long forgotten.

He can't make it worse, he thinks. Whatever he does, he can't make it worse, can he?

"Nee-san," he speaks up, his voice barely above a whisper.

He hates that his words sound like they used to. He still has the voice of a child afraid of the world and more.

"... yes?" The answer follows and Yukio curls his hand into a fist.

His sister sounds weak and frail like never before.

"Are you- do you-"

 _Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?_

Stupid questions, so, _so_ stupid.

Of course he could make it worse, he just did, he's still making it worse. His sister really had the worst luck, getting him as her brother.

"I-," Rin speaks up again, her voice dripping with self-doubt. "I would have been a bad mother anyway."

Yukio knows she's trying to lie to herself, it's so easy to make it out. He wants to disagree, he thinks his sister would have been a great mother- he's sure of it. But that won't ease her pain at all, right?

"I'd probably forget going to parents' day at school," Rin continues and Yukio wants to shout at the world.

"And my kid's food would be totally unhealthy. I'd forget to tell them about stranger danger too and don't help with their homework. I never was good at school anyway and I don't think True Cross is changing that."

Rin has set up now and reached for the tea Yukio has made hours ago. It's her favorite and cold by now. It won't taste anymore.

"And I wouldn't love them enough."

Yukio has spaced out, but those words pull him back. He turns around to his sister, fully facing her now. She's sitting on her bed, her jacket draped over her shoulders. She's wrapped her arms around herself and her shoulders are shaking.

She's crying, Yukio realizes. His strong, always smiling big sister is crying.

He has no idea what to do.

This is not what he imagined.

"I never wanted this, I didn't ask for this!" She's sobbing, looking far more vulnerable than Yukio thinks he's ever seen her.

The thing is, he understands the Order. They are afraid of her. She's powerful, the daughter of Satan. She's a good weapon. And that's all she's supposed to be, right? Fight for them until her death and when she's gone, they have one problem less.

They don't want her to become Lilith, raising an army of demons. They want a weapon that follows every order without any resistance.

What he does next isn't an action he'd call conscious. His sister is uncontrollably sobbing, letting those ugly tears run over her cheeks. And it's ugly, of course it is, crying isn't pretty, it's not supposed to be.

Crying is heartbreaking.

Yukio isn't sure for whose heart.

He walks over to her and sits down on her left. He puts his arm around her and starts to hum. It's been their secret for long, the humming, this song. Sometimes he thinks the words are in the tip of his tongue but they just don't come out. It used to be his sister and him, still small enough to fit into Yukio's bed together with one blanket protecting them against the world. She hummed this song again and again, calming him down and never recalling where she heard it.

He thinks it could have been their mother who sang it for them. He never follows that train of thought.

His sister calms down. She's still sobbing but not as much and the shaking has gotten better. Yukio isn't sure if he managed this, he'd like to think he can help.

He'd like to think that he alone can still fix all of this.

"Thanks, Yuki," she mutters, her voice hoarse.

Not from screaming, not from shouting, not from singing but from crying.

He hates it so, so much.

He doesn't know how he finds the words, but he does.

"I think you can be a good mother."

"Yeah?" She replies. Her voice is steadier. Good.

He has to keep talking.

"Mhm, you're fussing over me like a mother hen since... always actually. And you have to teach the next generation the _Okumura Rin Special Day Menu_."

At this she giggles. Yukio isn't a disaster in the kitchen, but he isn't anywhere near Rin's skill. She has tried teaching him before, their father too and the rest of the monastery, but they all failed spectaculary.

"They have to be twins," Rin continues the conversation. "A troublemaker and the built in playmate."

"I'm not a built in playmate," he replies dryly, but there's a smile on his face. They've had this discussion so many times already, it's good to have it again. It means things are going up again.

"Pretty names like _Amara_ and- and maybe _Kōshirō_?"

She carefully looks at him, as if she'd want his approval. He thinks about their father and how he'd probably be amused. It would be nice to keep his name around somehow. And Yukio doesn't think he'll ever have children. If he's honest, he doesn't think he'll make it last twenty.

"They sound good," he replies and she cheers up. It doesn't fix things but at least Rin starts to talk. She keeps going, describing how she would go about the parenting situation. She has this worked out better than their father probably never had. Then again Rin and Yukio weren't exactly planned.

Rin trails of, her voice fades.

"But that won't happen anyway, so why bother?" She mutters and Yukio knows he has to fix this.

He will. There isn't another option. There never were many options in his life.

"This will be over someday," he promises, not giving her a time or an explanation on _this_ , but he thinks she understands him anyway.

"And then we will see. The Vatican won't go after you anymore, they won't dare to, and-"

Yukio considers stopping there for a moment. It is after all classified information for a reason.

But he didn't become an exorcist for _them_ , did he?

He just wants to protect his family, what is left of it. That's the reason he has to be the strongest, he can't protect if he's weak.

Yukio doesn't stop talking.

"There are a lot of children like you- like _us_."

There are.

Many half demons, half humans, don't make it far in life. Demons don't raise children and the humans usually don't want their cursed child. And if they do, they can't protect them. Split race children usually don't make it past eight, the oldest he has encountered was 16 and dying. There was no balance in their body, they were killing themselves.

The Vatican didn't help rogue mixed children either.

"They need a home."

And Rin understands. He knows she does, she sees it in the way her blue eyes sparkle and ideas come to life.

Maybe he isn't a horrible brother. Maybe he can do at least some things right.

 **Thanks for reading!  
The reason I wrote this? Mostly being annoyed by the lack of good genderbend fanfics. They all don't seem really realistic to me, especially in cases like Rin here whose existence already angers the majority. Do you really think the Order would actually leave just the possibility open of her having kids? Nope.  
Then there's also the fact that you could possibly draw parallels to Lilith. That was Adam's first wife, who ran away and had children with a demon that then got killed by angels – short version. And since sexism is a thing and some Catholic priests actually do believe that women's roles are raising children, well, I think the whole sterilization makes more sense if Rin's a girl.**

 **(The priest in the church I went to is pretty chill though. Told him I'm pansexual and he was like "that's okay. Some might say it's not but the church is stupid sometimes" so please don't go hating the whole institution now. The current pope is pretty cool too.)**

 **Yukio's POV because I've always wanted to write him and try out this slightly more broken writing style. Time line wise this would be set just before the Kyoto Arc.**

 **I hope you liked this story, I'd love to hear your thoughts!**


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